Writing in my morning journal today, I felt as if I should share.
I'm loving this retirement thing. LOL It allows me to heal faster from losing Allen than if I was distracted by any sort of work bullshit. It's also allowing me to be. And to look at my life- find what feeds my soul- dump what doesn't- move into my third act- be even more authentic- find ways to celebrate life while embracing my greatest sorrow. Not an easy thing to do but I choose this path.
I'm on the cusp of 65- tomorrow isn't promised at any age. At this age its so much clearer and I suspect less scary as we age. So many can't claim this because they never made it this far in life. Some that did were not self-aware enough to embrace life and the inevitable. I lost that which was most precious to me (besides my own life) which shifted my everything- leaving very little fear of the day or of the future. I have nothing to lose- except myself which I cling to, learn to love more everyday, learn to see so much clearer, to feel deeper, to love more. I'm no longer the type to curl up and die, like I nearly did so many years ago. Thirty-some years has given me wisdom and knowledge about myself, and life and death, keeping me from going down and disappearing into the darkness.
My sorrow, my healing, my eventual ability to carry the loss of my son will serve me and those who come to me as I reach out a hand to pull them from the deepest emotional mire any of us really can't imagine until we're thrown into it.
Yeah, I'm a little scared of this growing older shit however, my choices are limited- live or die. LOL
So, I get up every morning, thankful for another day (most days). I stumble through it the best I can. I find opportunities to give others a smile which reciprocates in me- a speck of joy so sorely needed. I listen to the birds more closely, stop quicker to watch a bee or butterfly or dragonfly, inhale the air deeper, and walk softer on the Earth.
I feel like I channeled this because I don't really remember writing it this morning. I hope it touches you, my reader, and gives you hope if you're struggling.