Touch. Hug. A gentle gesture. A warmth for the soul. I had a pretty dramatic dream on a recent night and while meditating the next morning I started tearing up. It came to me what the dream was expressing that has me pretty sad. The absence of touch. Like most mammals I need touch. When I was a kid, I remember seeing photos of a sad baby monkey clinging to a carpeted board with a weird-looking head. The little one was part of psychological research on the effects of not being touched as a baby. As they grew up, they did not adjust to their later introduction to the larger group. Later research was done looking at human babies that had been neglected and lacked touch. These babies were found to have elevated levels of the stress hormone cortisol and abnormal levels of hormones that regulate social behavior. They, too, did not do well socially.
As a child I’m sure my parents hugged and held me but as I grew up those hugs diminished. I don’t remember my dad hugging me. My mom probably did for a while but not as I got older. The last time my dad hugged me was when he lie dying in the hospital. I worked hard to overcome this lack of touch for my son by hugging him as much as I could- even when he was a teen which meant a little embarrassment. Unfortunately, he didn’t grow up to be a hugger, though. My developmentally disabled brother is a hugger. He thrives on them but, unfortunately, many people are afraid of them or him.
I’m not a big hugger, either however, I enjoy hugs. I’ve had so many friends that are huggers that has helped me to not be afraid of hugging. I love hugs and I love giving them- only when appropriate, though. I ask for them when times are challenging. When I get those hugs, I can feel the energy from the other person calming me, healing me.
My dream was of a distant friend just holding me in my pain and fear. Releasing them, dropping them to the ground as strong arms and heart held me close. This wasn’t sexual- it was a friend’s caring. Something I haven’t been able to physically feel for nearly a year. The pandemic has taken away the safety of a simple genuine hug from anyone outside our homes. If, like me, it’s someone that lives alone that means none. No physical contact with anyone. I’ve had two hugs in ten months. I’ve been struggling with this underlying loneliness- even though I have no problem living alone. I enjoy it. The isolation of Covid-19, though, has forced many of us into our homes only going out with a mask, and being afraid of touching someone for fear we give them, or we catch this virus. It seems so simple but no one that is relatively healthy or really healthy knows whether the virus will kill them or make them sick for a prolonged period of time – possibly even shortening our life span. Even those who have underlying health conditions or are over 65 don’t know for sure- although their odds of surviving are slim.
And once anyone goes into the hospital, they are isolated, especially if they have Covid-19. And, now my brother is in the hospital with Covid-19 struggling with pneumonia. He carries many a risk. The hardest part of it all? The inability for me to go visit him and hug him; to encourage him and let him know I love him. His isolation, anyone’s isolation, with such a scary virus certainly doesn’t help with the healing process. And those of us left outside just have to wait and hope and seek out support.
I’m working from home until at least July. I have no idea- no one does- when we can safely hug again or just be physically close to our friends and loved ones. It seems like this will never end with so many in the United States ignoring the science of pandemics. It’s spreading exponentially and I feel like it will never end, and we’ll never hug again. It angers and saddens me to tears. We can zoom, and skype, and Teams, and google duo but it’s not the same as being physically close to others. The pandemic is a life lesson in what is important to my life. People whom I love. I will never take for granted I will see them, hug them, or be near them whenever we feel like it again. Every hug will become a precious moment of sharing love.
"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a
listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all
of which have the potential to turn a life around.”
― Leo F. Buscaglia
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