The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind.
Caroline Myss
On my 56th birthday in the Autumn of 2013, with the assistance of friends, I loaded up a moving truck and left my third husband after 7 years of domestic partnership and nearly 6 years of marriage. The narcissism had come to the point that he was gaslighting me daily and so much more. Once he threatened to throw my cat outside (a 4-year-old indoor- only cat) because he wanted to hurt me, I took action. I was devastated by this revelation. After this experience I could write an entire book about my experiences with what I discovered later was narcissism in both my dad and my ex. Instead, I’ll weave the experiences into future blog posts as appropriate.
I had stayed several years longer than I might have but for my intense fear of not having money and of ending up alone. I’d never lived alone or outside of a relationship for more than 6 months. I spent many years raising my son while receiving food stamps and other support fighting against poverty. Those fears were deep; along with my deep-seated belief that I wasn’t worthy. But the risk was worth it. The sad thing is I had a good paying job and could support myself.
I moved into a friend’s place temporarily because the courts found in his favor and due to fear of losing more money to attorney’s fees, I didn’t fight it. I stayed with her for about 4 months before finding a rental house. At first it was a financial struggle as I had lost a lot of money and my house in the divorce. But with the help of friends I did fine.
This blog post is about how I accelerated my emotional and spiritual healing after years of emotional abuse. Remember, I didn’t realize what I had been living with until a few months before I moved out. Looking back, I realized so many red flags from the first day I met him. Threatening my cat brought me to reality and awakened my sense of self-worth. Not too long before I left him, I ordered several books and read them in this order- Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft; Emotional Abuse, Silent Killer of Marriage: A 30-year Abuser Speaks Out, Austin James; Encouragements for the Emotionally Abused Woman, Beverly Engel; It’s My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence, Meg Kennedy Dugan & Roger R. Hock; and The Tao of Equus: A Woman’s Journey of Healing and Transformation through the Way of the Horse, Linda Kohanov. I had no plan to read them in any particular order but, as it turns out, I couldn’t have picked a more perfect order. These books opened my eyes so wide to an understanding of what had been happening and as to why I saw my dad and mom in our arguments. My dad was also a misogynistic narcissist, so the relationship was familiar. This awareness meant I was healing.
I was on my own now and looking for clarity about what just happened to me. After leaving him I felt like there were webs weaved throughout my brain. I have a strong sense of self, but it had been weakened by the years of living with him. I was looking for outlets like classes and workshops. I found one at East West Bookstore in Seattle. It was a healing ceremony with an authentic Siberian Shaman woman- Grandmother Nadia Duvan- on the October Full Moon about a month after I had walked out.
Grandma Nadia took us on a fantastical shamanic journey. At one point during the journey, she had an assistant open the doors (we found out later it was to let out the energy because it was so intense; an extremely rare request). During her journeying we were encouraged to join the drumming if we had one, otherwise we just closed our eyes. Many of us drummed along with her.
First the mountain spirit approached her, and she asked it to protect all of us and provide safe travels. The spirit agreed. She then asked who it was – it answered Tahoma (the original Indigenous People’s name for Mt. Rainier). The mountain is the guardian spirit for all of us in the state.
Next, the North wind came along with an old larch tree spirit.The North wind symbolizes power and authority. The larch tree spirit reminds us to rest and recover. Finally, a large dragon spirit came 2-3 times to help her heal and protect us. Dragon is an extremely powerful spirit. It is the master of all four elements- fire, water, air, earth. It has powerful healing qualities and strong restorative qualities. When she was done and described her journey, I realized that I had seen the spirits, too!
In an unusual move after the ceremony was complete, she stayed and asked us how we all were doing- normally she just leaves after cleansing herself with her belt full of loud bells. Through a translator, Grandma Nadia remarked that she felt much pain in the group of 50 people at the ceremony. She felt lots of grief, worry, imbalance, too much in the head, overly neurotic- lots of head issues. And, in the section of the room I was sitting in she also felt stomach and digestive issues. She explained that the drumming and the ceremony began our healing so that we can heal ourselves because we know what we need to do.
The next morning, I wrote in my journal “this morning I feel different- lighter, cleansed- the heaviness of my heart and soul lifted.” It’s as if something had shifted deep within. The webs were gone- my head was clear.
Looking back on this experience and the ensuing years I realized that that shamanic journey experience advanced my healing from that abusive relationship dramatically. Counseling continued the healing as well as my own search for understanding. Three years after I left the abusive relationship, I took a 3-week solo road trip towing a little trailer to Alaska and back. That was a HUGE adventure that took amazing courage for someone who was once so afraid of being alone. (You can read about it at www.3weekalaskajourney.blogspot.com)
I have found that the things I feared most were just that - fears - not reality. I love my life now. I find a silver lining in every bump in the road I’ve experienced throughout my life. And every relationship taught me something about myself, others, and so much more. Life is most definitely a journey!
