"Every 40 seconds someone in the world dies by suicide...
Every 41 seconds, someone is left to make sense of it."
Was it August 11th or 12th? 1992 or 93. 1993, definitely. Twenty-eight years ago, a good friend, an ex-lover, and amazing sensitive person took his own life- 1 week before we were going to see each other at an event I was organizing where he was going to lead a bird walk. How is it that someone you know intimately for only 6 ½ years can have such a powerful impact on you? I still remember clearly after 28 years.
When I got the call in my office, I physically collapsed. I left my workplace and headed home to try and make sense of it. No one saw it coming. I then sought out mutual friends for comfort. Once we were all together the healing began. Later, we planted a Western redcedar tree at PAWS animal shelter in his memory. Memories shared-tears shed- hugs constant.
Scott Edward Henry was born September 5, 1962, and grew up in Madison Wisconsin. He was the middle child with an older sister and a younger brother. He had a B.S. in Zoology. He moved to the Pacific Northwest in his 20s to be close to the mountains. I met him through our local Audubon chapter. We clicked right away. We birded dawn to dusk. We day hiked all over the Cascades nearly every summer weekend for 2 years. We soaked in wild hot springs. We were fierce advocates and activists for protecting ancient forests, wildlife, all animals. He worked for a local animal shelter which included responding to wildlife emergencies in the middle of the night. I ended up working there, too, part-time to supplement my income while raising my son and attending college. Sometimes I went out on those calls in the early morning hours.
I have so many memories of the adventures we shared.
We hugged giant trees and worked hard to protect them from logging. We explored deserts. We hiked to the top of mountains- Pilchuck, Higgins. We celebrated the Atlantic Ocean in the early morning hours. We sat in the darkness of a meadow, and he held me as I shivered in fear of the dark. Sometimes we even drank a little too much. We had so much fun- he was so full of life.
We became vegetarians after reading Pete Singer’s book – Animal Liberation. We were very involved in environmental activism including a stint with Earth First. We became strong animal rights activists participating in numerous protests. We had the unique ability to bridge the gap between the animal rights world and the environmentalist’s world. He was sensitive, passionate,
compassionate, and empathic which is challenging when you live in either of those worlds. And, to top it off the animal shelter was a kill shelter at that time. Many perfectly healthy animals were euthanized every night. Cruelty and indifference from the public were all too common and that takes a heavy toll on animal shelter workers.
One of my biggest memories was a month-long cross-country road trip to attend the 1990
March for Animals in Washington D.C. After we completed that road trip we grew apart. I missed him desperately. I have no idea if he missed me. Scott wasn't perfect but this isn't about his flaws- which we all struggle with. About a year after he killed himself, I visited the Chicago area and went to visit his mom in Wisconsin. She told me he was planning on returning to college to build on his zoology degree and wanted to get back together with me. That was painful to hear but I also know it wasn’t meant to be. it was hard to see a mom's disbelief in the loss of a beloved son.
At one point he took a job in Eugene Oregon at another animal shelter where a coworker killed himself. That’s a heavy load. Without the tools to deal with the pain and heartache it’s quite possible that impacted him particularly hard. He eventually came back to this area and got a temporary job working for Snohomish County working in streams.
Suicide just might be the worst shock of loss we can experience. Even after 28 years I still feel a twinge of pain when someone kills themselves. And every August there's still a little sadness. It takes years to recover from and it’s unlikely you’ll ever completely heal. I attended a few Suicide Survivors meetings just down the road where I was living at the time. There were only three of us but, like Al Anon, it was immensely helpful.
A year after the devastation of the loss of Scott I was on the verge of my own crisis contemplating giving up and giving in. There I was with a seasonal job in one of the most beautiful places in Washington ready to die-planning to die, tired of the pain of the world. Fortunately, a friend told me my son was just waiting to come home and find me on the floor. That comment shocked me into seeking help. My path wasn’t down the road to an early death. I now have so many tools to keep my sanity and enjoy life that through this blog and other modes, I plan to share them with others.
Is every day cheery? No. Even as I write this I'm dealing with melancholy. Now, once I recognize how I feel I sit with the feelings and let them flow through me. Not stopping them-not worrying darkness will consume me. This took years of self-reflection and counseling.
Taking your own life doesn’t solve the problems of the world. And nothing stays the same- wait and see and I’ll bet it shifts. If it doesn’t, reach out to a close friend, someone you trust, a hotline, a trusted family member, anyone- just take that little step. We’re all here for you. We know the pain of grief, loss, betrayal, lost love, injustice in the world, and more. And there are many of us that are happy to hold space for you and your pain.
"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone." Rose Kennedy
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